It's Time to Get a Refill...

And so it seems the tides may have turned as I have found that little tiny piece of dust in exactly the way I thought I would need to in order to stand any chance of finding any work: a company willing to take a punt.

That isn't meant as a comment of self-depreciation at all, but it is recognition that having spent 15 months on benefits searching constantly for work; applying for everything and anything; reworking my CV countless times; taking professional advice from all angles; it has all boil down to chance. Being in the right place at the right time and meeting an employer that wasn't even looking for someone like me. Or rather, hadn't considered that his company needed someone with my skills.

Having an employer say "I've looked at your CV and I really like what I see" is always encouraging. But to have them interview you and then begin to wonder if there is potentially a role in the company that could make use of your specific set of skills makes one feel a little like Liam Neeson...but without the killing bit.

What it boils down to at the moment is an initial short term consultancy job as copywriter (yeh...getting paid by someone to do what I love doing!) with potential for that to grow into something more. Something a lot more. It's an ambitious company and they need to know that if I am the write person to work with them long term. So consulting first to prove to them that I am the person they need is something that fills me with excitement for the challenge, not dread and worry. There's something far more appealing for me to take on a job that has risk involved - maybe that is what I used to enjoy in theatre.

What has made me walk away from theatre...at least for a while?

Firstly, I haven't done that on a permanent basis, but I have consciously grown tired of many of the aspects of writing in theatre. I have touched upon these many times before, but it mainly boils down to the fact that I find writing to be the poor partner in the modern scene. I spent years as a teacher building children's confidence in being able to create theatre, to build stories, and to tell them in ways that could truly move and entertain audiences. They were taught to open doors whenever they could; to embrace an opportunity and to take a risk; to learn that just one moment in a play they created could strike an audience so hard they could never shake it off. In one show the cast were told that there was a moment in the play that there simply must not be a dry eye in the house - and my God they hit that nail on the head.

We had productions where some of the roughest, toughest kids, and their gruff parents from one of the most deprived areas in the West Midlands who had never seen theatre before came out of shows sounding like seasoned arts fans, chuffed to bits that they had spent that £2 or £3 to see the show.

And all those shows were plays and musicals that I wrote, often with input from the kids. We didn't just do the usual "School Play" off the shelf - we would write them as new and original pieces. We'd craft summer school shows in a week; we took on moving stories of Nazis and Jewish Kindertransport; we jumped into Greek Tragedy and musicals... we always had an attitude of: "well if we can't do it now, we'll damn well learn how to do it..."

But when it comes to theatre now, all I hear is hurdles and brick walls. Reasons why something cannot be staged or funded or backed or supported. I hear the word "no" so much more than I hear word "yes" - or even "maybe", or even "let's give it a shot." Positive discrimination has corrupted funding and there is more interest in tying ribbons to trees than there is in exploring the work of great story.

And the "clique" reigns stronger than all. When one's face doesn't fit it doesn't matter how professional, talented, committed or hard working you are, if someone wants to throw their dummy out of the pram then that is it. I was finally driven to the end of my tether when I couldn't even help out behind the bar without certain individuals being so utterly childish and unprofessional - yes, even in front of patrons - that my options were simple: make an issue of it and then probably become ostracised anyway...or walk away.

I no longer felt needed or wanted for all the 15+ years of experience and expertise I could bring almost entirely for free. So I figured that if all I had to do was give, but there was nothing more I could take, no opportunity to achieve, or challenge myself - I couldn't even guarantee being able to enjoy an evening of serving drinks to happy customers. So I walked away.

And walked into... ...a world of story like I'd never tried before. Writing the first draft of my first novel was a great achievement indeed. Regrettably I have dragged my heals since and really need to get it ready for publication, but still it is an achievement. And I also started to refocus myself on my writing of poetry, which I found I enjoyed much more than I thought I would. That's probably due to my experience in writing lyrics for my musicals.

I haven't played music for a long time, and I very much miss it, but it's not the right time for that at the moment. Repeated house moves and living constantly on the edge of stone-cold broke for over 15 months is not conducive to really being equipped or able to invest in playing or composing music at the moment, for me anyway. So in a way the musicality of language through poetry is tapping into that side of my creativity.

But I also went back to something I hadn't done for a long time: helping people who truly need help. Really, really need help. Not just people who can make use of my talents, but people who needed my ability to sift through paperwork and statements; read legal documents and translate them into English; scour complicated legal guidelines and explain laws; use my experience of having seen the unfair harsh side of the law and help other people through that process. The falsely accused - society's pariah's - who are bludgeoned by the weakness of our legal system to question liars need a special kind of support which is hard to find from anyone except those who have been through it themselves.

I also met some inspiring people online and joined with them to support their campaigns to raise awareness about Autism. By chance, as a teacher, I had dealt with many ASD children with great success and was able to combine that knowledge and experience with my own creative skills to help with marketing, strategy, design, social media, and so on. It has been great to watch them and their campaigns grow to the level of literally tens of thousands of followers.

All through that voluntary work - which no doubt helped me hold onto some slithers of sanity - I have lived under the black cloud of unemployment. Unable to start a new career because I lack experience, but ironically unable to start a new career at lower levels because I am simply "over qualified". No-one was willing to believe that I would happily work for a minimum wage just to be given a crack at a new career.

But now there is an opportunity waving at me... ...and I get to really see how good I am. I get to combine my passion and love for writing with the world of business and strategy. I get to aim for real targets that matter - not the pretend, false targets that utterly missed the point in the so-called-education-system - and have the possibility of success quite literally at my fingertips. [Mental note: I really need a new keyboard - I have hammered the hell out of this one!].

As part of my career-relaunch I have put out a "GoFundMe" campaign. It's not about me getting other people to pay my way (I resent the fact that I have even had to use the benefit system for over a year as it is), but when one doesn't have the capital to launch oneself it poses unnecessary challenges when I should be focusing just on the task at hand. And it is a double edged sword, too. I can't just say to all the people I support now "sorry guys, but I have got a job now so..." I will have to reduce my hours of volunteering, of course, since there are only so many hours in a day.

That's the point behind my GoFundMe campaign. It really isn't just about me. I fully intend to reach out and help people who need help. To be able to say to someone "if you need help writing a killer cover letter, just ask..." and not charge them for my writing skill. I want to be able to help people spruce up their CV using all the advice I have had over the past year, and genuinely do it for free without the undertone of "free advice...if you sign up to..." I won't be charging these people the £15/20 per hour that I know I should be with my skills, because I know what it is like to be the 44% man (see previous Blog!).

It's time to get a refill. It won't happen over night, and it will take a lot of effort, indeed. And to have a boost of some support from people throwing a fiver in the pot here or there would be of great value. However people do it is up to them. They can make a small donation and say "all the best", or they can say "okay, go on then, prove you can do it..." So if your pocket is deep enough, my GoFundMe link is at the bottom.

The challenge can never be set hard enough, and the bar can never be raised higher than what I set for myself. As I told my new employer: I don't just want a job; I intend to carve out a new career.

I'd rather be kicked up the arse than spend my time sitting on it.